So I did eventually get off of the bathroom floor, and I largely have my friends to thank for that. They pulled me out of the depression pit that I was sinking in, even as I tried to fight them off. I pushed them away, wanting to sink down into the pit, but they wouldn’t let me. They took turns gripping on and slowly yanking me out. They took turns calling and checking in on me. My therapist was also checking on me daily. They all reminded me of the tools I had learned over the years that had helped me before.
“What about an ice bath” one of them said to me, “shock your system.”
Ok. yes. I felt in my entire body that getting into an ice bath was what I was supposed to do.
I called multiple gyms and wellness centers in the area and couldn’t find an ice bath anywhere. Then I thought of a kind guy who I had gone on a hinge date with last summer and had become good friends with. I remembered him telling me that his mom was putting a sauna and an ice bath in her backyard. That was a year ago so there was a slim chance that this would work but I didn’t know what else to do. I picked up the phone and called him. He answered.
I said, "I’m sorry to call you so out of the blue but I’m really not doing well and I was wondering if your mom has an ice bath I could use."
He immediately put me in contact with his mom, an incredible, inspiring woman who I know I was meant to meet. She sent me a text saying that she wasn’t home but that I was welcome to go into her backyard and use the ice bath. She was my saving grace that day. It’s funny, you never know what connections will become. How could I have known that a hinge date from last summer would lead me to a beautiful connection with his mom who would in some ways save my life that day.
I didn’t even have a swimsuit because I had left them in the suitcases at my ex’s, but I mustered up whatever sliver of strength I had to get out of bed and drive myself to her house nearby. As soon as I got there I took off my clothes and jumped in her ice bath in my t-shirt and underwear. I stayed in that ice bath for 12 minutes- the longest I’ve ever done.
While I was in that ice water, I felt like my soul came back into my body. Like this whole time that I was in that relationship, I had lost myself so much that my soul had completely left my body. I told this story to my friends and they agreed, they said that they barely recognized me anymore. In that ice bath, I found myself again. I found my breath again. That seems to be a theme in my healing journey- finding my breath. It’s still been a heartbreaking journey of healing to find myself again, but I know now that I'm back. I know who I am, and I'm moving forward.
The other night, an old friend said something to me that I can’t stop thinking of. He told me that he went through a really hard time last year and found himself in a really low place. I asked him, “How’d you get out of that low place?”
“By building my empire,” he said. “Working. Working towards something bigger."
I think I’m ready to start building my empire.
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