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loving my darkness



After years of feeling like I was living in a dark bottomless pit, when I finally came out of it and felt the light again, I also felt this looming fear that I would fall back into the dark pit. I tried to keep my energy positive, my vibes high, and my light shining bright. Any time a dark thought or low feeling crept up, I would panic and stuff it deep down. "Oh no, I'm not going back down there again," I would frantically think. I thought that darkness was bad and that I needed to avoid it at all costs. Because if I didn't, it could take me down again.


But the truth is, I do have darkness in me, we all do. And that's not a bad thing. It's because of this darkness that I'm able to feel deep depths and the duality of life. It's because of this darkness that I can connect with others to feel and understand their pain deeply. And it's because of this darkness that I think I'm so good at what I do- connecting with women and helping guide them on their path of healing.


If it weren't for my darkness I wouldn't be able to understand what any of you who come to me are going through. I could maybe feel empathy for your story. But I wouldn't be able to actually feel your pain in my body- and I love that I have the ability to do that.


To be honest, I have a lot of dark thoughts in me. I often think about death, and rape, and cancer, and war and suffering. I wonder what death feels like. I wonder how many women around the world are being raped or sexually abused at this very moment. And for hours I'll go down a rabbit hole trying to wrap my brain around how something as horrific as cancer can exist in this world.


But it's only because I'm able to go so low with my thoughts and feelings, that I'm also able to also go so high with them. I'm able to feel the beautiful contrast of the highs and lows- the duality of reality on this incredible planet. I get high from noticing how the sun kisses my skin and the ocean waves cleanse me. Duality is a beautiful thing and how lucky are we to be in human bodies on a planet where we get to feel the waves of all of it.


So, I love my darkness. I'm grateful for it, and I don't try to hide it or ignore it. It's a part of me and I love and embrace all parts of me. I hope you're able to love all the parts of you too, and find people to surround yourself with who love all the parts of you also- even the dark parts.

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