“Why don’t you go back to Tulum,” said my ex-husband one morning when I was lying on the bathroom floor yet again, desperately crying, completely at my wit's end, begging him to take me to the hospital to have me "put down". I don't know why I thought ending my life could be as simple as taking an old dog to the vet- but strange thoughts arise when you're having a mental health crisis.
“You were really happy there, and there seems to be a lot of healers and healing modalities there,” he said.
It was like as soon as he said that something clicked. That’s exactly what I was supposed to do.
So I went on Airbnb and booked a month-long stay in this tiny guest room of a local Mexican family's house in downtown Tulum. I packed a suitcase, took my cat with me, and got on a plane to spend one month alone in Tulum with my cat, trying to find healing.
The family I was staying with was very kind. They had a bicycle that they let me rent for 100 pesos a day (about $5) and that was how I got around. Rona liked it there too. There was a garden with lots of tropical trees that she climbed pretending to be a jungle cat. I’m really glad that I took her with me, she really has been my best companion and saving grace through all of this.
I had known one person in Tulum. She was an artist whom I knew from when I lived in Haiti. I messaged her on Instagram to let her know I was in town and asked if she knew any healers that she recommended.
“I don’t care what kind of healing they do, what religion they are, or who it is, I just need some serious healing,” I remember saying, "I'll try anything."
MAR
She recommended me to this woman named Mar.
I booked a session with her that week.
I rode my bicycle for about 30 minutes in the heat to get to her house. She lived in a nice apartment just outside of the town center. She was a shorter woman in a beautiful dress, with dark short hair, and feathers tattooed across her chest.
She welcomed me into the apartment and told me to take a seat. She asked why I was there and what type of healing I was looking for.
I told her that I was so depressed and anxious, that I wanted to die, that I just needed help.
She told me to close my eyes, lie down on the couch, and breathe deeply. She began asking me some questions about my life like “Have you had difficulties with your parents, have you ever been sexually abused, do you struggle with anger”. She knew things about me that she could not have known unless she had some sort of magical power. She told me about my guides and said that I had Archangel Michael there with me. She also said she was going to do a soul reading, and that my soul flower was a big white flower with gold around it, emitting a bright white light. She said that my soul was pure and light and that I was here to be a channeler for others. She also told me where in my family lineage my anger and anxiety were passed down.
Then she started asking me about my abuse in high school. As i spoke about it i felt heat and anger rising up within me.
"Take this and rip it up over and over again until you can't anymore," she said as she handed me a roll of toilet paper.
I thought it was silly but I listened to her and started ripping it. With each rip, I felt anger being released from my body. I began tearing at the toilet paper harder and harder, ripping it frantically in half. before I knew it I was screaming and crying. But it wasn't a cry of pain, it was a cry of release.
Finally, she told me to sit up in this chair and she wrapped a cloth around my head. She began making weird noises, blowing on me, and she even spat on me!
She then told me that she was finished and that I should go home and bathe myself in this list of herbs.
I stood up, thanked her, hugged her, and got back on my bike. As I was riding my bike home, I distinctly remember feeling like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt so light like a feather riding that bike, and for the first time in months, I smiled. And I laughed, I actually LAUGHED because I felt so light.
I honestly don’t know what Mar did to me that day, but it was the beginning of me peeling off these layers of depression and sadness, of “black tar” that was stuck on me, weighing me down.
I really felt like something shifted in me on that bike ride home, and I will never forget that feeling. It was the start of a powerful healing journey that's changed not only my life, but the lives of hundreds of other women around the world.
to be continued...
** If you'd like to contact Mar or learn more about what she offers, you can find her here:
Instagram: @iam.mar.triveni
website: martriveni.com
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